Lord of the Rings Limericks
by Llinos
Summary: Just a few limericks based on the quirks and thoughts of the characters who appear in the book and film. Starts with one each for the Fellowship. For future chapters, I am taking/took requests. Chapter 4 - A few more, just for luck - and to fulfil outstanding requests.
1. Chapter 1

**Limericks for the Fellowship  
_ by Llinos_**

**Frodo Baggins**  
Said Frodo "that little sod Sméagol   
Nicked my Ring, which I'm sure is illegal,  
But a hobbit who lingers  
Might run out of fingers  
So I'm catching the very next eagle."

0-0-0-0-0-0

**Samwise Gamgee**  
Samwise said, "Well you see,   
If vacations were left up to me  
You shouldn't be countin'  
On climbing a mountain,  
I'll get hot and you know I can't ski."

0-0-0-0-0-0

**Meriadoc Brandybuck**  
"Just follow me," shouted Merry   
"I'll show you the way to the ferry,  
If it's too far to walk  
Hitch a ride on an orc,  
It's cheap – though the service does vary."

0-0-0-0-0-0

**Peregrin Took**  
Pippin said, "it's not really devotion,   
I just took this job on a notion!  
Now I'm stood all day long  
To just sing the odd song,  
For crap pay with no chance of promotion."

0-0-0-0-0-0

**Gandalf the Grey**  
Gandalf said, "I'm not really surprised,   
Saruman's just one of those guys,  
Who acts really cool,  
Like he knows it all,  
But it's really a big pack of lies!"

0-0-0-0-0-0

**Aragorn son of Arathorn**  
Aragorn said, "There'll be trouble   
If Arwen bursts Éowyn's bubble  
But perhaps they'll behave  
If I don't have a shave,  
Birds all like a bloke with some stubble!

0-0-0-0-0-0

**Boromir of Gondor**  
Boromir said, "here's the thing,  
It's not that I want to be King  
But it would be a pity  
To lose the White City  
So just give us a loan of your Ring."

0-0-0-0-0-0

**Prince Legolas of Mirkwood**  
Said Legolas, "to stay in good health   
You have to look after yourself,  
But if you're relying  
On being undying,  
You won't make it, unless you're an elf."

0-0-0-0-0-0

**Gimli son of Gloin**  
Gimli said, "I'm not one to moan,   
Though my cousin went off on his own  
To live in a mine,  
which is all well and fine,  
But he could at least pick up the phone!"

0-0-0-0-0-0

**Author's Notes**  
If you found these perverse,   
Or need a character summed up in verse,  
Then leave your request   
And I'll give it my best,  
After all, it can only get worse!

Llinos


	2. Sundry Characters Requested

**Limericks of  
Sundry Lord of the Rings Characters**

_Here as promised is the second set of LotR limericks, most of them fulfilling specific requests for you good, but demanding, people._

First of all **utfrog98** requested "Now bring on the X rated versions."

_I'm sorry, but this is a family show, although I'll see if I can blaspheme and pop in a little violence every so often. No sex though – I'm British!_

**Sarahsweeties** said "hows about a Faramir? and Eowyn? oh oh oh! The OLD GUY who shot the first arrow at Helms Deep! hehe am I evil?

_Yes, yes you are. But here goes:__  
and although you don't deserve it, here are two for the old guy. . ._

0-0-0-0-0-0

**Venerable Hero of Helm's Deep  
**Said the old bloke who shot the first arrow  
"I couldn't see, as the slots were too narrow.  
But 'cause I shot the orc  
Too early, there's talk  
That I should've been left at Dunharrow!

Said the old bloke "it's a foul accusation!  
It was just a one-off aberration.  
My nerves hadn't flipped,  
My fingers just slipped,  
Hence my premature ejaculation!

0-0-0-0-0-0

_You'll have to share the next two with _**Lariren-Shadow** who requested "How about one for Éowyn or Faramir?"

**Éowyn of Rohan**  
Éowyn said, "he can't make me a queen  
But Faramir's reasonably clean.  
So I'll settle for less  
and just be a princess  
He's not sexy, but terribly keen."

0-0-0-0-0-0

**Lord Faramir – Son of Denethor  
**Faramir said, "after losing our Mother,  
Dad only had time for my brother,  
But then I got a cool wife,  
Was made Prince for life,  
It works out - one way or another!"

0-0-0-0-0-0

**twilla** wrote, "Requesting one for my favorite Elf, HALDIR!"

_Okay, there's no need to shout, here you are. . .  
PS – also for **kenaz**, who asked much more quietly :)_

**Haldir – Marchwarden of Lothlórien**  
Haldir said, "I'm not really snooty  
But you can't piss about when on duty  
I don't want to seem cheap  
But if I die at Helm's Deep  
Will the girls all think I'm a cutie?"

0-0-0-0-0-0

_Not satisfied with Haldir_, **Kathy** wants "the three famous Lorien brothers!"

**Haldir and Bros**  
Haldir said "as I'm your big brother  
"You'd better be nice to each other!"  
Rúmil said, "well all right,"  
Orophin said, "I might.  
"But remember, you're not our Mother!"

0-0-0-0-0-0

**slightlytookish** said, "Since you're taking requests, how about Elrond and Gollum?"

_Gollum – here you go. . ._

**Sméagol of the River Folk**  
Said Gollum, "you have to admit  
for my age, I'm still pretty fit  
But although it's quite trendy  
to be skinny and bendy  
at modelling clothes I'm just shit!"

0-0-0-0-0-0

_Sigh – it was meant to be ONE each, oh well you'll have to share with _**Kd7sov**_, who also wants Elrond. Here you are. . ._

**Elrond Half-Elven – Lord of Rivendell  
**Elrond got himself in a lather,  
He said, "Even though I'm not your father  
I've a nice line in shouting  
'Isildur!' and then pouting,  
Will you please chuck that Ring in the lava!"

0-0-0-0-0-0

**Inkling3** asked "...shouldn't Saruman get a chance to respond to Gandalf?"  
_Well, no. He's too busy with his own affairs. ._ .

**Saruman the White**  
When Saruman wanted to check  
On the news, he said, "hang on a sec,  
I've a nifty glass ball  
That shows me it all,  
Who said Middle-earth's not high tech?"

"It's under a cloth on the table,  
I tune in whenever I'm able,  
But then again,  
I can't get CNN,  
But it's satellite rather than cable."

0-0-0-0-0-0

**Dreamflower** wrote, "How about Fatty Bolger?"

_How indeed!_

**Fredegar Bolger  
**After causing a prison food riot,  
Freddie Bolger made plans on the quiet.  
"Though hobbits are fat,  
I'll be changing all that  
By launching the Sharky-plan diet!"

0-0-0-0-0-0

**Charlie** said, quite politely "could I request one for Erestor please:)"

_No **Charlie** – that's impossible! Oh well, since you asked so nicely, this is the best I can do_.

**Lord Erestor, Chief Councillor to Elrond  
**Erestor, a Chief of Elf folk,  
After seeing how little he spoke,  
Said "In 'Lord of the Rings',  
I just say four things!  
It must be some kind of a joke!"

0-0-0-0-0-0

**Ica44** said, "I'd love to read a limerick about Éowyn, or Éomer."

_We've had Éowyn – twice! So you'll have to settle for her brother. ._ .

**HRH Éomer – King of Rohan  
**King Éomer was famous in fable  
For being ready, willing and able  
To take on all forces  
With his men and their horses  
And have them back, before tea, in the stable.

0-0-0-0-0-0

**Saoirse** suggested, "How about...say, Shadowfax?"

_To which I say, "How about **Saoirse**?"_

Finding the most perfect rhyme  
Should not take much effort or time  
But a name such as **Saoirse**  
Really cures all inertia  
And the headache you get is sublime!

0-0-0-0-0-0

_Okay, enough teasing, here are two for your horsie!_

**Shadowfax – Lord of the Mearas  
**Shadowfax just shook his head,  
"In spite of the fanfic you've read,  
I am only a horse,  
So I don't talk of course,  
There's bugger all else to be said."

When Gandalf goes on a trip,  
There's one thing he does seem to skip,  
Before shouting 'Shadowfax', he  
Could try calling a taxi,  
But I'm cheap and it saves him a tip.

0-0-0-0-0-0

**Greywonderer, melilot hill, mews1945, Kikyou, Elemmire2, Dis Thrainsdotter, Effigy and Tyshi** _  
didn't ask for anything, but no one gets off that lightly, so you can all share Denethor_!

**Denethor – Lord Steward of Gondor**  
After losing both sons in a fight  
One dead, but the other not quite,  
Denethor said of his loss,  
I just don't give a toss,  
Excuse me, do you have a light?

0-0-0-0-0-0

_You lot also get_

**Galadriel, Queen of Lothlórien  
**Galadriel told Celeborn, "don't moan,  
I just want to be on my own,  
So when we get into bed,  
Please stay out of my head,  
Leave a message when you hear the tone."

0-0-0-0-0-0

_and my personal favourite. . ._

**Treebeard the Ent**  
Treebeard said to the hobbits, "Don't worry!  
You're in far too much of a hurry.  
It shouldn't be hard  
To destroy Isengard,  
Then we'll have a few pints and a curry!"

0-0-0-0-0-0

_That's it for now, unless you can think of any more characters whose limericks you can't live without._


	3. Limericks 3 The Return

**Author's Notes: **About limericks and other things!

I suddenly realised the other day, that over 5 years ago now I promised to write some more limerick requests. Oh how these things slip your mind and then come back when you least expect it, to bite you in the bum!

Anyway – here they are, but before we start may I also tell anyone who is interested, about **Recaptured**?

First the good news (depending on you viewpoint of course). It will be finished!

Second – some more goodish news – it nearly is!

Third – the bad news – it isn't finished yet!

However, I do have over **30k** unposted words written and I'm going to press on with it. I just didn't want to post any more until it is actually finished. So please bear with me for the duration and even encourage me sometimes (as some of you do now). I will get there eventually!

In other totally unrelated news – if there are any **Billy Boyd** fans out there who were interested in his tour in **Sunshine on Leith** – drop me a line for some info – nudge, nudge, wink, wink! Oh, you'll find me on Lizallinos at live dot co dot uk (obviously you have to change the "at" and "dot" to the symbols fan fiction dot net won't allow!)

Right – so that's the end of the news – now to business!

**LIMERICKS – THE RETURN – PART 3  
**

**Inkling **requested a villain series. Well I think you'll find quite a few villains sprinkled throughout this lot.

**Poppy Muddyfoot** said, "**Barliman Butterburr**. Or **Grima Wormtongue**. Or **Deagol**. Or **Quickbeam**. Or a **Barrowwight**. OMG what about **Figwit**! (I know you said only one, but I wanted to give you lots to choose from.) "

Well Poppy, since you've had to wait five years, I've tried to cover them all!

**Barliman Butterbur, Landlord of the Prancing Pony**  
Said Barliman Butterbur,  
"I think I would really prefer  
Folk in my pub  
To just stick to their grub  
And not disappear in a blurrrr!"

**Grima Wormtongue**  
Said Grima Wormtongue "I'm blessed  
With a name that suits how I'm dressed  
With my hair all a muss  
And eyes running with pus  
Yes, I'm a baddie- haven't you guessed!

**Déagol  
**Déagol said, "I come from that time  
When you chose friends with whom you could rhyme  
And as I'm called Déagol,  
I got stuck with Sméagol  
Which is all well and good... but I've since realised it is really not a very good basis for making friends, particularly when you have to decide what to do with lost property that you may find!"

**Quickbeam** **the Ent**  
Quickbeam said, "I really don't see  
Anything funny to write about me  
I drink and I joke  
I'm a regular bloke  
Unless you mention I'm also a tree!"

**A Barrow Wight  
**There once was a old Barrow Wight,  
Who liked to give hobbits a fright,  
But changing their clothes,  
While they have a quick doze,  
Is pretty much BarrowWight Lite!

And there were several requests for **Figwit**! (_Poppy, Hebir Naid Thurin, Sarah_) Well three actually, so I did him in three stanzas...

**Figwit – The Elf at The Council of Elrond  
**Figwit said "I didn't use cunning  
I just seemed to hit the ground running  
Fans gave me this name  
Which shot me to fame  
Because apparently, I'm really that stunning!

Perhaps I should just have stayed sat,  
I had no lines and no chat,  
But though the name was quite terse,  
It could have been worse,  
"_Frodo Use Care Kid... Who Is That?"_

_(I suppose I had better explain  
Or that lack of scansion will sound quite inane,  
Figwit's an acronym that's pat  
For "Frodo Is Great... Who Is That?"  
Geddit? Good! 'Cause I'm going insane!)  
_  
**Grey Wonderer** wanted **Pippin's Troll** and **Shelob** (although I've done them separately for obvious reasons!)

**Pippin's Troll  
**When Pippin defeated the troll  
He apparently forgot how to roll  
You'd think he could figure  
When your foe's that much bigger  
That it's going to leave a large hole!

Although the battle was won  
Being squashed isn't very much fun!  
Didn't anyone say  
To get out of the way  
When your enemy weighs half a ton?

**Shelob  
**Said Shelob, "That hobbit's a pain  
Sticking his sword in my wossaname!  
But I'll have the last laugh  
When I sit in his bath,  
Then we'll see who gets washed down the drain!"

For **Lindalea** here is:-  
**Beregond**  
Beregond said, "I've a lot on my plate  
And while showing Pippin round would be great,  
Because he's so small,  
He won't see much at all,  
Do you mind if I just delegate?

**Goldberry** wanted:-

**Tom Bombadil**  
Said Tom Bombadil "You may smirk,  
But the songs that I sing really work  
I can bring all the trees  
Down to their knees  
Even though I sound like a berk!

**Sarahsweeties** requested, **Arwen**, **Figwit**, (_see above_) **Wormtongue, Witch-King of Angmar, Sauron**, and **The Orc Who Had The Skull On His Head** in ROTK (dont i make weird requests?)

Yes Sarah you really do!

**Witch-King of Angmar**  
The Witch-King of Angmar said, "Why?  
When it's obvious I am a guy  
And really quite surly  
Does my name sound so girly  
Could I please just give 'Wizard' a try?"

It's not like I'm called the Witch-Queen  
Which makes sense, though it is a bit mean  
And a little bit slashy  
So without being flashy  
Howabout The Wizard, Creme de la Cream!

**Arwen Evenstar**  
Arwen said, "They must have mistook  
What I do and how I should look  
And if you think I'm too groovy  
(I mean in the movie)  
You'll be someone who _**has**_ read the book!"

**The Dark Lord Sauron**  
The Dark Lord said, "here's the thing  
To remember when making a Ring  
It's better I've found  
To spread it around  
Don't put all your power in one bit of Bling!

**The Orc With a Skull on His Head**  
I'm an orc with a skull on my head  
But it belonged to someone who's dead  
So it's not desecration  
It's just decoration  
And I could put a hat there instead?

That's it for now – send in more requests and I'll try to get to them a bit quicker next time!

Llinos


	4. Return of the Limericks

**Several hundred years ago (or thereabouts) I started making limericks for Lord of the Rings Characters.**

**I also invited requests.**  
**Some of these requests were not fulfilled.**  
**Some of these requests were made elsewhere**  
**Some of these requests I've totally forgotten by whom they were made**  
**Some of these requests I may have forgotten altogether!**

**Anyway – here is my (possibly) final payment.**

**RETURN OF THE LIMERICKS – THE FINAL VOLUME  
****_(unless you really want more)_**

_No one asked for Gandalf, but I did him again anyway._

**Gandalf the Grey**  
Gandalf said "I've a notion  
That the Balrog will cause a commotion  
But if I win the fight  
I can move up to White  
Which is a not such a bad staff promotion!"

_No idea who asked for this, but someone must have!_  
**Haleth son of Háma  
**Saying, "Haleth son of Háma"  
Could give you a very bad stammer  
But take a quick look  
He's not in the book  
So sod the diacritics and grammar!

_For Lucy Kay  
_**King Théoden  
**King Théoden said, "There's some tattle  
There's a bloody big war coming that'll  
Show off my facelift,  
But what's got me miffed,  
Is I'll just end up dying in battle!

_Also for Lucy Kay  
_**The Oliphaunt  
**I'm an Oliphaunt that simply intones  
A grandeur that no one else owns,  
Until that elven punk,  
Slid down my trunk,  
Just like we were in the Flintstones!

_For DarkMagicWhiteLight  
_**Bilbo Baggins – the hero of The Hobbit  
**Bilbo said, "Though I don't need to work  
That job at least had one perk,  
I don't mean the gold  
Or not growing old  
But showing Gandalf I'm not such a berk!"

_For Good Queen Vold  
_**Imrahil, Prince of Ithilien  
**I'm Imrahil, Prince of Ithilien!  
Surely, a Prince in a million!  
I do quite a lot  
To just further the plot,  
Although I never had a hobbit ride pillion!

_For Inkling3_  
**The Troll's Purse in The Hobbit**  
I s'pose fings could've bin worse  
Than bein' a bloody Troll's purse,  
Although all that I do,  
Is squeak, "Ere, 'oo are you?"  
But at least I got my own verse!

_Also For Inkling3  
(who asked for Shelob and Pippin's troll together – sorry but it stretched itself into two stanza)  
_**The Four Hobbits**  
When the hobbits took a quick poll  
Of who had done best in their role,  
Frodo carried the Ring,  
Merry stabbed the WitchKing,  
But Pippin got squashed by a troll!

Sam did quite well on the whole  
Helping Frodo accomplish his goal,  
He did a good job  
Fighting Shelob,  
**But,** Pippin got squashed by a **_TROLL!_**

_For Grey Wonderer  
_**The Fox  
**A passing fox had definite views  
About who should be taking a snooze,  
"Why are three hobbits there?  
Out in the fresh air,  
This will make item one on Fox News!"

**Notes:**

I think that's the lot – unless you know better! Thank you if you reviewed, and if you didn't, thank you for reading and I hope you laughed at some of these.

In the meantime, I'm pleased to announce that I've actually finished Recaptured and it is now being posted. There are just two chapters to go and a very long epilogue!

**Good Queen Vold** – I'm not actually Welsh, although I did attempt to learn Welsh when I lived there. Rwyf yn dysgwr (I use this as an OC name in Recaptured BTW). So perhaps I lack the Bardic skill of the esteemed Principality!

I'm sorry you think I can't scan,  
I've only done the Wlpan,  
So I can't be precise  
Dydw i ddim yn Cymraes  
But I'm doing the best that I can

Actually, some of the limericks don't scan to perfection, but that is because I write them quickly and they're just meant to be funny. Also it sometimes depends how you stress the first syllable in each line. Glad you liked them anyway!

Heddwch!

**Llinos**


End file.
